I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
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60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man