Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
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Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
much to think about