HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
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Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
“What?”
– Jude
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying