All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
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millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials