Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
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All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same