what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
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writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Lunatics are gonna loon.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.