Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
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I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
next question.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
He’s cranky this morning
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this