Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
You Might Also Like
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
decorating my apartment
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
me after drinking all the wine:
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”