Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
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establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
o shit
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.