Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
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the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
stop
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
For anyone who needs this today
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.