I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
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[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I hate when that happens.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.