Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Worlds greatest photobomb
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.