Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
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I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Don’t frighten the programmers!
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them