me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
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Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.