Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
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Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
The old gods are rising again.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
This hospital has everything
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..