I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
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When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.