Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
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Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫