If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
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[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.