*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
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I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.