They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
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First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
that de-escalated quickly
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.