Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
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I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.