funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
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Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
man i love columbo
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you