Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
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me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Please do it!
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.