A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
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I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?