My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
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I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
new record!
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.