[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
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I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying