ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
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Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?