My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
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imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*