Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
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[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Not today
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly