Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
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if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic