While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
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Posting this on behalf of a friend
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.