My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
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OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée