Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
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WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
is it earth
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.