Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
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You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I bet birds love this building.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’