ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
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This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.