I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
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Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.