Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
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[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us