Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
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The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
This is why I hate group projects
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
#parenting
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN