[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out