A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
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[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!