things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
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*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]