I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
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There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
*seductively corrects your posture*
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
If only
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee