You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
You Might Also Like
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.