Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
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Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
rise and shine we got egg
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.