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GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case