IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
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“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Do one person every day that scares you.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
TRAIN’S HERE
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞