[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
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I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
selfie game
love it when they get my name right
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
pizza
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
*puts words between two asterisks*
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.