my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
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Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.