My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
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Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.