Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
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Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Meowchelangelo
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks